The Self-Love Era

There’s a trend right now in the “self-love” culture, where we’re all about accepting and loving ourselves for who we are, no matter what. And while that’s a beautiful thing, there’s a large piece to this mindset that can lead to some serious problems down the road:

When we start to believe that we shouldn’t listen to our critics, or that their opinion of us doesn’t matter, we’re in trouble.

Now, before you go and write me off as a hater of self-love, hear me out. I am not saying that you should spend your days worrying about what other people think of you. I believe the opposite.

What I am saying though, is that there is a very big difference between

1. Ignoring your critics because their opinion doesn’t matter to you…
2. Ignoring your critics because you genuinely believe that their opinion is wrong and that they’re simply haters who don’t understand you.

The first instance is fine. It’s healthy and empowering. But the second instance is a recipe for disaster.

Why?

Because when you start to believe that other people’s opinions of you are wrong, or that they’re just haters who don’t get you, you’re essentially setting yourself up to be blindsided by criticism.

You’re no longer looking at criticism as a helpful tool that can show you where you need to improve.

And that’s dangerous.

The Consequences of Self-Love

While there’s nothing wrong with loving yourself, this can lead to an inflated sense of self that isn’t based on reality.

All of us have weaknesses — it’s only human. However, if we’re not cognizant of them, then we can’t work on developing ourselves further and bettering who we are.

It’s crucial to be open to hearing constructive criticism since that feedback is essential in helping you evolve as an individual.

Without it, you’ll just stay the same person forever without ever making any positive changes or even genuine professional developments.

If you’re constantly surrounded by people who tell you how great you are, it can be easy to start believing that you need no other improvements.

And while it’s important to have a supportive group of friends, you also need to be careful that you’re not surrounding yourself with an echo chamber of yes-men who just tell you what you want to hear.

For the people closest to you (and even professional relationships) you can damage your relationships and make it even harder for people to communicate honestly with you.

Shame is Not Always a Bad Thing

Shame can be a motivator to change.

Confusing? Let me explain.

There’s a difference between feeling shame because you did something bad and feeling shame because you are bad.

The first is called “ego-driven shame” and the second is called “authentic shame”.

Ego-driven shame is when you feel ashamed of something you did, but you see it as an isolated incident and not indicative of who you are as a person.

For example, let’s say you cheated on a test back in the day in school. But, you don’t see yourself as the same person anymore who would perform that action again.

You were just young and trying to pass a test you didn’t study for. That would be an ego-driven shame response. You see yourself as someone who made a mistake and you feel bad about it, but you don’t think it means that you’re a bad person.

Authentic shame is when you feel ashamed of yourself as a person. It’s a deep sense of self-loathing and it’s not always based on anything specific that you did.

It’s more of a general feeling that you are unworthy and undeserving of love, respect, and other positive emotions.

Ego-driven shame is at least based on reality. It’s acknowledging that you made a mistake and it’s something that you can learn from and move on from.

Authentic shame, on the other hand, is completely irrational and will only serve to hold you back.

So how does this relate to critics?

Well, if you’re only listening to the critics who are coming from a place of ego-driven shame, then you’re probably going to be okay. You are separating yourself from your actions and therefore looking objectively at how you can improve.

But if you’re listening to the ones who are coming from a place of authentic shame, then you’re only going to reinforce that negative belief about yourself.

Of course, It can be hard to tell the difference between someone who is just trying to bring you down and someone who has your best interests at heart.

But that doesn’t matter in context.

What matters is that you’re open to hearing what they have to say and being willing to examine it objectively, even if the person has bad intentions. There may still be some truth in their words.

Shame, that you may rightly have earned, is a powerful driver for personal growth. It’s painful and meant to be. Making things right with yourself, with your community and with your loved ones may mean publicly acknowledging wrong-doing, and making amends.

Are You Easily Offended?

If something offends you, ask yourself why you have certain triggers.

Maybe the person is 100% wrong, in which case, you can simply brush it off. But more likely than not, there’s at least a grain of truth to what they’re saying, and if you can recognize that, you can use it to your advantage.

For example, if your partner tells you that you’re being inconsiderate, that’s not an attack on your character.

It’s a request for you to change your behavior. And if you love and respect your partner, you’ll want to do better next time so that your relationship can thrive.

The same goes for friends, family, and even strangers. If somebody tells you that you’re being a jerk, maybe they’re right. Maybe you are being a jerk at that moment.

Instead of getting defensive, you can use that criticism to check yourself and try to do better next time.

I had a problem with not being emotionally expressive enough. It was taking a toll on every relationship I had (not just romantic) because I wasn’t letting people in.

And while it was hard to hear at first, I’m so glad that my friends and family pointed it out to me, because it’s something I’ve been working on.

And you know what?

My relationships have improved 10-fold just from that one change. And I’m even more confident when developing new relationships!

The Lesson Here

Ignoring your critics isn’t always the best option.

If you’re not willing to listen to your critics, you’re also shooting yourself in the foot and making it that much harder for people to want to support you.

So if you’re finding yourself getting defensive whenever someone criticizes you, ask yourself these things:

1. Is the criticism completely off-base and not worth considering?
2. Is there a piece of truth to it that I need to address to grow?
3. Am I avoiding criticism because I don’t want to face the possible truth?
4. Are they people in my life that I can trust to give me honest feedback and help me grow?
5. How am I reacting to the criticism and is it helping or hurting my cause?

The answers might surprise you.

The moral of the story is this: Listen to your critics, but don’t let them define you.

It’s important to hear what other people have to say about the work you decide to make public, even if it’s not always positive.

Doing so will help give you a better idea of who you are and where you need to improve.

But don’t let the criticism of others become your identity. Instead, take it with a grain of salt and use it to help guide you on your journey toward becoming the best version of yourself.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide who you want to be and how far you’re willing to go to become the person you want to be. Don’t let fear of criticism or haters dictate who you are and what you do.

Learn how to listen and how to properly process criticism, but recognize that ultimately the decision is yours.